The television is on. Noise is on. The background noise increases. It has its own ebb and flow. It drowns. It colors. It stains. But when the off-switch hits, the deafening silence aches in the echo. No amount of sound soothes silence, and maybe that’s okay. What’s not okay is when we try to stifle the beating in our own hearts. What’s not okay is when we turn up the volume of life around us just so we don’t have to face the truth.
Truth isn’t always pretty. You can only ignore it for so long before your world comes crashing to a halt. Deal with it or be undone by it. Turn off the noise, and don’t be afraid of the reality your soul desires to whisper.
Volume. Shift. Eject. Enter/Return. Delete. Arrow up. Arrow down. Arrow left. Arrow right. These are a few of my favorite computer keys. I could write volumes about each of these words. Expound on their definitions. Divide the etymological meaning. Contemplate the hefty thoughts for each. I won’t do that here because, well, that would defeat the purpose of post brevity.
Failed New Year’s resolutions lay recklessly on the whim of this-time-next-year.
Maybe you’ve been there too. I’ll do this or that this year. Whatever it is we claim to pledge to do, our resolve to do that whatever-it-it may wane leaving us off worse than we were before.
Do we ever get them done?
I find myself saying it again. “This time next year I will…” (fill in the many blanks for your life). I think this must be what the bible means when it talks about don’t say you’ll do this or that because you don’t know what the future holds. Are we really invested? Are we really going to do it? Did we really ever count the cost? The only way to tell is in the living day by day – that’s how you know you are accomplishing the goal or the resolution.
Sometimes you want to move forward, but you can’t. Sometimes you want the words to spill onto the page in perfect form igniting the senses, but they don’t. Sometimes, sometimes, just…sometimes. This is one of those moments. Maybe you’ve been there too. What do we do? We just walk it out. Acknowledge that it may not be the best day, but you’re still here on the earth – alive and breathing. Nothing could be better than that, and tomorrow will be different. A new hope, a new spring, a newness will come upon you if you look for it and believe.
If I’m going to be real then I’m going to write about the intimidation (a lifetime of it hidden from public view). If I’m going to write about what I don’t want to write about then I’m going to write about the experience of story coaching (life changingly good) and being amongst a very, very experienced, well-versed community of writers and feeling like I don’t quite fit in. If I’m going to be honest, then I’m going to write about how I feel so far out of my league. If I’m going to be honest I’m going to tell you that I’m ready to quit – and we just only started. I’m going to have to relive some pain, acknowledge some hurt and unbelief, and let people know it’s safe to come near me. I’m going to have to uncover old things that I don’t want to deal with but that I have to deal with in order to move forward. I’m going to dig my heels into the ground and build this dream. But… If I’m going to be honest, I’m letting you know I might quit. If I’m going to be honest, this is too much for me. If I’m going to be honest, I don’t think I can take it. I’m just being honest.